Overqualified: a magnet shaped like a kitten

To: Human Resources, Nova Magnetics
Re: Tech Sales position!

Dear Sirs or Madams! I am enclosing my resume in the hopes that you will consider me for a position with Nova Magnetics. My resume details my experience with magnet technical sales, but I would like to take some time to explain my other qualifications as well. I have a very special relationship with magnetic sales, and with magnets in particular. When I was a child I accidentally consumed a small fridge magnet, in the shape of a kitten. Due to the magnet's odd shape, it has not passed through my system. It is lodged in my intestine somewhere or other, and I hope to god that it stays there. Why? Because it gives me special powers.

These powers aren't related to magnets. I can't make metal hover, or anything that you might find in a comic book. No. But I have always known I was different. I have abilities that set me apart from others. I have powers. Do you know anyone who can see perfectly in the dark? I'll bet you do. What's special about that? Cats can do it. Owls. Heck, my little brother has abnormally high night vision. But do you know anyone who goes completely blind if the sun even goes behind a cloud? I do. Me.

But that's the least of my powers. I have others. For example, I have a form of ESP that allows me to consistently pick losing lottery numbers, and generally make poor life choices. I used to rub these powers in other people's faces. I had a shirt made up that says "I consistently make poor life choices." It was not very popular, but that is how great my powers are. Did I mention my other powers? I can come up with t-shirt slogans on the spot.

"Kiss me, I have no night vision."

"I can't even think correctly!"

"This womb drops babies!"

But I realize that while these powers give my life the sheen of wonder, and they are borne of the magnet lodged in my intestines, they might not convince you that I can be a good technical sales guy. Well, I assure you that I can! If you would like to speak with me about this position, I would ask that we meet in person. I do not own a telephone, because I do not trust them. You can't see the other person! It could be anyone. Did you see Terminator 2, where the robot imitates the mother's voice and HE KILLED HER?

No way, man. If you want to hire me we're going to have to meet up somewhere. I think McDonalds is a good place. There's lots of people, and I feel safe there. Meet me there at three o'clock Thursday morning if you're interested. I feel my qualifications would make me a valuable addition to your team! I look forward to meeting you at McDonalds in order to learn more while not being murdered by a robot from the future.


Joey Comeau.