Overqualified: Newspapermen need love too.

To: Human resources, The Herald
Re: Writer

I'm writing to apply for a job with The Herald. Your posting advertised looking for a freelance journalist to cover events in the town of Antigonish, whatever that is, and I am including my resume for your review.

My major publication credits include small pieces in The New York Times and The Observer. I worked as an intern with Forbes magazine for whatever you consider an impressive amount of time. I just recently finished a brief stint working as copy editor of [THE BIGGEST NEWSPAPER I CAN THINK OF The Wall Street Journal? Will they believe that?]

I have long been a fan of The Herald, and I have always dreamed of writing for you. When I was working at [WHATEVER MAGAZINE I SAID] I decided that I would pursue that dream, so I quit my prestigious copy editing job in the big leagues, and decided to come work for you. The Herald is my chance to open up a little more, to enjoy the slightly looser restrictions on my writing.

Don't get me wrong, I like it in the big city. I love riding the subways to work, I love the way it lights up at night. I love those clubs you can go to, where they pull back the little window and ask for the password so you can go inside and have dirty sex with ugly women and ugly men. My friends think that it's disgusting. They ask "Don't you worry about diseases?" and "Haven't you got any self respect?" and what can I say to that?

Of course I worry about diseases. Of course I have self respect. I have a steady girl that I see every Friday for a movie. We drink root beer together at the A&W and we hold hands while we wait for her bus. We haven't kissed yet, but I know we will. She's so perfect for me, you know? She wants to be a lawyer, just like in the movies. I think that's so great.

My friends tell me that I'm using her, that I'm living a lie and that it's unfair. I ask them, what's so wrong about what I'm doing? I love her and she loves me. When I go to those sex clubs, I tell the women there "I don't hold hands with anyone but my girlfriend." I tell the men, "I hope you don't expect to share laughter over a root beer with me, because I am in love with a nice girl who wants to be a lawyer so she can put criminals away for what they did, and not let them get off on a technicality."

I don't know what an Antigonish is, but I'm more than willing to learn, I'm more than willing to learn anything you want if you'll let me write for your paper. My girl, my steady girl, she's moved to that small town there, Halifax, and I'm going to come with her. That's the real reason I left whatever magazine I said I was working for, but don't tell her that. She said "It isn't right for you to uproot everything for me, Joe, we haven't even kissed yet." Maybe we haven't, but we will. And I hope that when we do, she'll be kissing a newspaperman for The Herald!


Joseph Comeau