Overqualified: the relevance of background checks

To: Manager, Security Services
Re: Security Officer positions.

Thanks for taking the time to consider my application. I understand the need to review the criminal records of potential employees, and I support your position in this matter one hundred percent. When you are hiring someone to guard a property against burglary and vandalism, the last person you are going to want is a vandal or a convicted thief. That makes all the sense in the world, I totally agree.

A repeat burglary offender is likely to steal from his own employers. He would make a horrible employee in a security capacity, being a security risk himself. But you need to ask yourself this: Does it really matter if he's been convicted of first degree murder? Could there be anything less relevant? He isn't likely to encounter his back-stabbing best friend on the job, or anything. That friend is already dead.

He's dead and buried and I have already served my time. I've paid my debt to society, and now I would like nothing more than to resume the career that I laid out in a guidance counsellor's office oh-so-many years ago. I would like to come to work for your company, and I think I would make a fine addition to your team. I am crazy tough looking, with prison tattoos all over, and a raspy voice cultivated by a combination of the harsh air conditions in my cell block and an erratic supply of good herbal tea.

I am a people person, and I love to work with the public. I have extensive experience working in a security capacity, having worked security on such high profile accounts as Microsoft Headquarters, the McDonald's head office, and with Securitas Canada in a number of important capacities.

I am a man of my word, and I have strong convictions. You will not find a more honest and trustworthy employee anywhere. I murdered Jimmy with a kitchen knife, and I would do that again. He did wrong by me, and it made me so crazy. It still makes me crazy. I stabbed him again and again in the face, and I used the knife to carve a small poem about my feelings on his back. "I went to rent a movie / but they said I had fines / so many fines / I couldn't / rent again / until I paid / you said / you took that movie / back / I trusted / you "

I look forward to speaking with you again about this position. Yours,

Joseph Comeau