Overqualified: I'm coming down there


To: Human Resources
Re: Development position.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my resume, even though I don't have one. MICROSOFT CANADA JOB HISTORY IBM I have been programming Perl for eight years, on every business appropriate platform there is, and I've been around long enough to understand that there are no human beings reading this. PENTIUM APPLE PARAMOUNT STUDIOS GENERAL MOTORS ENGINEERING You're a room of machines looking for keywords, the same way that my ISP searches for keywords in my emails.

PERL, UNIX, LINUX, WINDOWS, PRIME MINISTER, PONY, MY PET MONSTER, MIKE DOUGHTY, DANCE, DANCE, REVOLUTION, COBOL, PASCAL, ART DECO,

So I could write anything I want to write, and your warrior robots will kindly index me because I mention HARVARD, because I mention MIT RESEARCH LABS, because I mention the YALE KNITTING CIRCLE. Your lead robot will look over the lists and lists that the lower robots are churning out, and he'll put another robot there, and he'll say "There's too many, motherfucker! Sort them by year of graduation, and we'll take the youngest into consideration. They'll work for peanuts." and he'll laugh in that horrific robot voice. As long as I get the most hits from the search engines, you'll hire me.

GRADUATED IN 2004 GRADUATED WITH HONOURS JENNIFER LOPEZ NAKED CULKIN BROTHERS HUMILIATED $celeb-name $3psn-vb-pst

So, I'll just load this email up with keywords RELIABLE PERFECTIONIST LIAR LIAR PERL C++ C# C*&%^$^ VISUAL BASIC AUDIO BASIC JAVA BeOS GENTLEMEN'S SOCIAL and in amongst all the keywords, will your robots find the real message?

I'm coming down there. I have a hammer of job seeking justice and I'm going to use it to crack your robots' heads in. I'm going to bust open the sides of your machines so that YALE PRINCETON NO CRIMINAL HISTORY BACKGROUND SEXUALITY CHECK RESULTS VOTED WHICH WAY spill out all over your shiny marble floor. And then I'm going to find the programmer.

And I'm going to kill him.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

Joey Comeau