Overqualified: I wonder if another woman is what we really need.

To: Human Resources, Nova Scotia Community College
Re: Research Assistant

I am sending you my resume in the hopes that you will hire me for the position of Research Assistant with the Nova Scotia Community College. I have extensive experience working with GIS software, and I would like to take a minute to better outline my qualifications.

Last night I was in bed with a boy (whose name escapes me just now), and afterward he said "When did you know you were gay? Thirteen? Fourteen?"

I smiled as wide as I could, and I told him "I wasn't gay when I was a kid."

"Oh?" he said, with that knowing grin. He ran his fingers over the tattoo that runs across my torso - "GEOGRAPHIC INFORMATION SYSTEMS 4 LIFE"

"Nope," I said. "I turned gay when I was twenty one years old, on February the fifteenth." I gave him a playful kiss on the cheek. "It was cold, and gray, and I was on my way home from the movies. I had just gone to see a showing of Fight Club, and I remember thinking to myself that there had been too many shirtless men. A car came out of nowhere, and I didn't have time to jump out of the way. Later, the doctors said that it was unlikely the accident had caused my homosexuality. I knew better."

"What?" he said.

"I was hit by a car," I told him. "And now I'm gay."

It's like that with GIS, too. One day I came home from the hospital, where I had spent my time confused by my sudden desire to do dirty dirty things to the cute male orderly assigned to my ward, and I knew that I was different. A similar accident happened to me about two years ago, a bus stopping too quickly, causing me to lose my balance and hit my head, leaving me with the desire to devote my life to geographic information programming.

I've done nothing but study GIS and sleep with men since that second happy accident. I've never been one to question the hand I'm dealt.

I look forward to hearing from you about this position.

Joey Comeau