Overqualified: maybe i should buy you a book on being prettier


To: Human Resources, Easy Rider Tours
Re: Tour guide

I am writing to submit my application for the position of bicycle tour guide for Nova Scotia / PEI, and I am including my resume for your review. It outlines my years of experience with leading tours in general, and with leading bicycle tours in particular. I look forward to helping lend my individual brand of tour innovation to your company.

The chance to lead a tour of Nova Scotia and PEI is an exciting opportunity to me. For years I have been developing a set of specialized theme tours of these two great provinces, and the chance to implement them with the busloads of unsuspecting tourists that you will certainly provide me with is like a gift from heaven.

I know that it's difficult to assess potential tours based simply on a description, and so I have prepared a mock script of my "Nova Scotia tour of Joey's ex-lovers," even though I feel it would be better to work unscripted so as to maintain a level of spontaneity that tourists would likely appreciate. This is a small sampling of the planned tour.

Stop number one: I never thought it would be like this.

"Coming up on the left, we find the bakery where my very first girlfriend works. I haven't seen her since we were fourteen, and we both got really drunk and had sex. Raised, as I was, with a strong sense of religious virtue, I stumbled out of her house, crying. I never thought... hang on, here she is."

At this point I pull the megaphone out of my bag.

"HOW ARE YOU TODAY, HARLOT? OFF TO STEAL THE INNOCENCE OF ANOTHER CONFUSED CHILD!?!?! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME!"

Stop number fifteen: Maybe it had something to do with you never shaving your legs?

"And here we have my girlfriend's house. My current girlfriend Emma, who gave me, for my birthday, a copy of Oral Sex Tips for Men. What the fuck is that all about?"

I pull out the megaphone.

"IT'S NOT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW, EMMA. IT'S BECAUSE I'M SAVING THAT FOR A GIRL I REALLY LOVE. YOU'RE JUST HELPING ME KILL TIME. YOU'RE LIKE INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY, BUT CHEAPER."

This is just a small sampling of the sort of tours I've worked out. I think that, with your company, I can help elevate the tourism business from its stagnant state to the art form that it deserves to be.

I look forward to hearing from you about this position,

Joey Comeau