To: Human Resources, Financial Services Firm
Re: Telephone Surveys
Thank you for taking the time to review my application for a position conducting telephone surveys with your company. My resume lists my recent professional work in the field, but the formal structure of a resume doesn't provide room to discuss the personal nature of my first experiments with telephone surveys.
When I was eight years old I began to experiment with crank calling. A staple of mine was "Hello, is your refrigerator running?" and then "Well you'd better go and catch it!" This prank was second only to another staple of mine: "Hello, you fuck dogs!" I had no idea what this meant, but loved the reactions of elderly women especially.
Crank calls were my hobby. So when the boys at school began to talk about sex in hushed tones and I began to feel left out, it was to the telephone that I turned. Calling people for information was the same as making a crank. When I was a kid we didn't have caller ID, and so I was safe, anonymous. I called a number at random. A woman answered.
"Hello?" she said.
"Hello, is your refrigerator running?" I asked.
"It is," she said.
"What's a clitoris?"
I had my share of people hanging up, but other people began to engage me in frank discussions of sexuality. At school I earned a reputation as the go-to man for questions about girls. I began to use the phone book as a source of anonymous advice about everything from my fears of getting a girl pregnant to my confusion about linear algebra.
But as technology progressed I lost my anonymity and therefore my courage. Now I'm frightened to call random numbers because they can see my name. Do I want to associate my name with requests for an explanation of a late night comedian's racial profiling joke? Or with my questions about my obsession with Brad Pitt's torso?
A job with your company would afford me a window into the homes of men and women across this country. Hidden behind your walls and walls of telephones, I would not be afraid to pose my sometimes idiotic questions to complete strangers.
I could ask the questions that you wanted as well!
I look forward to your response.