To: Human resources, Eastlink Communications
Re: communications manager
I'm responding to your job posting regarding a communications manager. I am not including my resume for your review, because (though impressive), my resume would only distract you from the opportunity I am about to offer you.
Since its emergence, I have been impressed with the potential of Eastlink Communications. You're the new blood here in the Maritimes. The fresh face. You stand poised on the edge of greatness, now, and all it takes is one small push to send you down that path to glory. I am here to offer that push.
Let's not beat around the bush. I could include my resume with this email. I could be like every pimply faced university graduate who graces your inbox with desperate pleas to be taken seriously. I could list the companies that I've sent soaring with my PR skills. I could list the endorsement deals until I'm blue in the face, and in the end what will I have said?
Instead, let me talk about what I see for your company's future. A glory that can be summed up in three words: The Eastlink Party.
I'm not talking about a wine and cheese here, I'm talking about making a play for power, right now while the iron is hot, while the voters and their high speed internet connections are still in the honeymoon period. With my experience, and the massive popularity you've achieved due to the brilliance and convenience of your Service Bundles, we could take a real shot at making this government ours.
Imagine the delight of the voting public. Here is a party without some political agenda, interested only in the wonders of capitalism. A party with no difficult speeches, and no complex ideologies. Imagine the benefits of being a Corporate Government!
Eastlink digital cable, high speed internet, and local and long distance telephone services, these would be utilities. The resources of a country would be yours to call upon. Aliant Telecom would fall before you, weak before your strength. Maybe you won't be able to just shut them down, but you will certainly be able to mold laws and taxes to cripple them quickly. With the resources of an entire government at your hands, you will be able to undercut their prices with ease.
I'll be honest here. I have no experience with the duties and responsibilities involved in running a government. I'm not sure what is legal and illegal for you to do once you have office, but it is a simple matter for you to find people with these skills once you have taken power, and it is I who will get you there.
I've taken the liberty of contacting various agencies on your behalf, and I've been testing the waters with some very broad, vague polls. Things look good, right now, but make no mistake. Satisfaction with your fantastic bundles, with your amazing high speed internet service, will soon begin to peter off. Even with your terrific services, they will begin to expect more. Pirated movies will seem to take too long to download, long distance won't cost few enough pennies a minute, bundled service packs won't save them enough money a month.
This is your chance to leave all of the inconveniences of the free market behind.
You may call upon me, night and day.