Overqualified: Soiled Soiled Soiled Soiled Soiled Soiled JUS-TICE

To: Human Resources, The Chronicle Herald
Re: Inventory Clerk


I am writing to apply for the position of inventory clerk with the Chronicle Herald, and I am including my resume for your review. Attached to my resume you will notice several other sheets of information, categorizing and itemizing inventory from recent projects of mine.

I do not mean to mislead you with these inventory sheets, I have never worked professional inventory. As my resume shows, my employment history has always been in education and sports coaching. I have worked for fifteen years as a girl's rugby coach and a physical education teacher at Sacred Heart High School for girls, where my skills in inventory management have helped me to streamline efficiency.

Inventory has never been the sole function of my employment, but it has always been a source of personal satisfaction, and the secret of my department's efficiency. At Sacred Heart, I took it upon myself to keep rigorous inventories of every item under my supervision. I counted every basketball, every pinny, every garment that the girls kept in their bag and locker while they were on the field or in the shower.

The benefits of having a comprehensive tally of personal undergarments, itemized by "soiled" vs "unsoiled" are readily apparent to me, and I am certain that things would have been different if I had been given a chance to plead my case to the school without the parents immediately involving the newspapers.

See the attached clippings "Panty sniffer just trying to help - The Mail Star" and "Pervert teacher a damn pervert - Daily News"

I know for a fact that I kept better track of those personal garments than the girls did. Every couple of months I tried an experiment, removing a pair of soiled undergarments from a girl's locker and taking them home with me. This is a situation which would be immediately detected if I felt comfortable making my inventory of their garments public. As it is, though, I have a box of soiled undergarments in one of those picnic coolers at home.

I used to get frustrated that my inventory system had to remain secret. I felt like a super hero, complete with secret identity. The good I did was very real, but it had to be done in secret, like how Batman operated under the cover of darkness. I sometimes would empty out the box of panties on my bed and select a pair to wear on my head like a mask. I would then roll around in the other panties singing my theme song. My theme song was "soiled panties" over and over.

I look forward to hearing from you about this position.

Thank you,

Joey comeau