Overqualified: what have children got to do with it?

To: adecco.ca
Re: Holiday Character

Hello, I am applying to work as a "Holiday Character" through your human resources firm, seeking a position as Santa Claus in the Park Lane mall. I am including my resume but I ask that you also pay special attention to this cover letter, as I hope to show why you should look beyond my lack of experience with children to my other outstanding qualifications.

My resume will indicate that I worked for ten years as the foreman of an assembly line at Mattel Toys. Day after day I oversaw the construction of thousands and thousands of toys for children. My employees were mostly middle aged men, which didn't sit right with me. I used my considerable sway in the company to influence hiring practices, instituting signing bonuses and additional benefits for people of small stature.

I had new uniforms designed! Green slippers and ridiculous hats. I made everyone sing in time as they worked on the toys, my workshop full of elves. This is where you will notice a period of unemployment on my resume as I faced several harassment suits and three charges of racism from Irish midget employees that I may have referred to as "my north pole leprechauns"

They charged me with theft, too, when they found my bag of toys hidden away behind the lockers.

When I became unemployed I had nowhere else to go. I got very hungry, very fast, and took to sneaking into people's houses looking for milk and cookies. That's all I ever took, no matter what the police report said. Milk and cookies. The Jones family filed a fraudulent insurance claim, and they are no longer on my "nice" list. I found that it was impossible to get in through chimneys, so usually I just busted in a window.

I think that my qualifications speak for themselves, and frankly, I think you'd be lucky to have me as a Santa in your mall. What kind of person applies for a job like that, anyway, having little kids sit on their Johnson all day? Perverts, man. Perverts. I'm doing this because I have no other choice. It's my calling. I don't even like kids.

Joey Comeau