Overqualified: YAHOO.COM: Chkm8_slutz.

To: Yahoo
Re: Analyst

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. In addition, I have attached transcriptions of some of my most recent games on Yahoo Chess. I believe that my ability and skill as an analyst and strategist in the games section of Yahoo.com will demonstrate that I'm perfect fit with your company. It is worth noting, before you check the transcripts, that I lost every game I played. The real strategy lies in the chat transcripts that accompany each game.

I played under the fake name Cindi Highsmith, and when pressed for information about myself I would always supply intriguing but vague details. I pretended to be a 21 year old lesbian, some days, with relationship problems. I pretended to be a girl who was learning to play chess so that she could beat her boyfriend at the game. I could have said anything, so long as I was a girl. I figured that people would be more likely to give me pointers if I were a lady. Instead, things got out of hand.

Cindi_Highsmith: I'm the Bass player in a band, and I am thinking of studying the philosophy of history at the graduate level. What can we know? Are there degrees of certainty about our beliefs regarding the past? Is direct observation the only truth we have? I refuse to believe that. Is history just a joke? I just don't know what to think.

RNorth_dinocok: Do you have a boyfriend?
RNorth_dinocok: Are you single?
RNorth_dinocok: What color are your underwears?
RNorth_dinocok: What do you look like?
RNorth_dinocok: You seem really nice.


Cindi_Highsmith: That was an awful move! Sorry, I am practicing my openings, and sometimes I worry too much about making the move I remember instead of watching where you're moving and taking that into consideration.

MSaturday_Stud_Stud: What do your undies look like?
MSaturday_Stud_Stud: Show me your pussy.
MSaturday_Stud_Stud: Checkmate.

Actually, halfway through writing this email, I realize there is no connection here between strategy and my actions at all. These transcriptions don't show my skill as an analyst. On reflection, they show only that I like to pretend to be a girl on Yahoo Chess so I can talk dirty with other men and then tell them the truth so that they get really angry.

I guess an analyst would suggest that their anger stemmed from some sort of deep rooted homophobia, a sublimated fear of their own faggotry? I don't know, man. The way I read it, is I totally PUNK'D them. An analyst might also say that this is an expression of my secret desire to get over this impression I have, that gender is entirely constructed. The might say it demonstrates how I wish I could wake up in the morning with the certainty that I really am a boy.

Please hire me?


Joey Comeau