Overqualified: THE RIAA: Where's Willy?


To: The RIAA
Re: A job!

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. It outlines the fifteen years of law enforcement experience at my disposal, and my many awards and honors accrued in that time. You do good work, at the RIAA, but if you'll pardon my frankness, you are a joke to the very pirates you should be terrorizing.

I can teach you how to deal with those punks who thumb their noses at you. Just last month, a young man in anti-WTO t-shirt was attacked in my neighborhood. He was badly hurt, with a broken nose and something horribly wrong with his eye.

But when I offered to help him, the little bastard said "Fuck off, pig. Shouldn't you be somewhere else, intimidating the men and women of this neighborhood? Abusing your power so you can feel like a BIG MAN?" He sounded like the guys down at the station. They have the same problem you do, RIAA, they're not willing to go far enough. Only this kid wasn't trying to guide me toward the light like my pussy co-workers. He was just being disrespectful. "You're nothing but a government subsidized playground bully," he said. "All police are."

So I laid it on thick. "Son, we're human beings, the same as you are. You can't paint a whole group of people with one big brush. I became a cop because I wanted to help. I wanted to make my father proud. He died in the line, trying to save a woman from a gang of attackers, and I..." this is when I start to cry.

He had no idea what to do. He put his hand on my shoulder, and I cried harder. Eventually I managed to pull him into a hug. While he was nervously patting me on the back, I stuck my finger in my mouth and got it real wet with spit. Then I stuck it in his ear and gave him the nastiest wet-willy anyone has ever given anyone.

He was like "WHAT" and I was laughing, man, because who would ever believe him?

"A police officer gave me a wet willy!" wouldn't last a minute in court. And people would think twice about pirating music if it called down the wrath of the RIAA in the form of crooked police officers grabbing them outside their schools or daycares and giving them painful and embarrassing wet willies. Think about that.

Yours in blue,

Joey Comeau