Overqualified: GMAIL: Conspiracy theories?


To: Google Jobs
Re: Gmail

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. It outlines my experience as a Perl programmer with experience in regular expressions. I feel that I would be an asset to your GMail team, and that being a part of your team will give me the security I need.

During a period of recent unemployment I began to write humorous email cover letters to companies, and concurrent with this I ran a mailing list. I began to notice that many of my subscribers were asking that their old address be removed, so that these emails would go to a new address. A GMail address.

I got emails from friends, "Hey Joey, I've got a GMail invite, if you're interested," which I politely refused each time. "You don't know what you're missing," they'd say. Other friends, who couldn't even match socks to save their lives, went on and on about the efficiency of the context display and search algorithm. "I feel in control again," they said.

Visiting my grandmother, I woke to find her sitting on the edge of my bed, laptop in hand. She was smiling, but there was something behind the smile. "Just start an account, Joey," she said, pushing the laptop toward me. "Please." I realized, then, that I had been offered a GMail invite by every person I knew (and dozens I didn't, fans and strangers alike). Was it simply a fad that had somehow avoided the condescension and disdain that most fads are destined to attain in the eyes of intelligent folk?

I was visited by two police officers. They claimed that they were visiting because of an offensive job letter that I had sent. The police officer spoke severely, but said they'd decided to let me off with a warning. I almost wet myself with relief. Then he leaned close and whispered "We never could have tracked you with a GMail account. I have an invite, if you're interested."

The computer speaker in my room is old, and sometimes I hear taxi drivers talking. Lately I hear snatches of conversation, "...he's still sitting at..." and "...fruitloops for breakfast again but we're hoping..." and finally "...just make sure to keep a few variants of comeau@gmail.com or joeycomeau@gmail.com free. Our operative is certain he can get..." and there was a knock at the door, my roommate. With pictures that he had taken, and a blackmail demand.

I am writing this Overqualified letter in the hopes that by making a joke out of this it loses its ability to frighten me. I am writing in the hopes that if GMail is as inevitable as it appears, there is still time to be on the winning side. I'm no movie hero.

I know that we both have something to offer. I can make your task easier, through my low grade internet fame. Hire me, and I will sell you those few email addresses on my mailing list that are not yet GMail accounts. I will try and talk my fourteen year old lady admirers into signing up.

Yours,

Joey Comeau