Overqualified: Microsoft: March 15th: I'm pregnant. It isn't his.

To: Microsoft
Re: Programmer

Dear Microsoft.

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. I am excited for the opportunity to work for the company that saved my marriage, and you can rest assured that I will give my all. As my resume indicates, I've been a computer programmer for sixteen years. Wanda and I were married for eight of those.

My resume indicates my professional experience, which is a good rundown of my skill-set, but I'd like to talk about my personal projects, which I believe show my ability to think outside the box. You see, in the months before I lost Wanda in a car accident, I started teaching her to program.

Those few programs that she left behind were simple, and very often flawed, and they are all I have left of my Wanda, besides her journal entries. She programmed on your operating system, and with a little internet research I was able to make a list of what appliances were running Windows.

It was short work to program each of those appliances with the remains of my lost wife, fragments of her journal, snippets of her programming. I was suddenly living in a William Burroughs romance novel. Cups and plates rattled when I passed, and spoke in their Microsoft-approved synthesized voice "July thirty first. Joey is still spending more time with the computer than with me. I am worried that the romance is gone for good this time. My mother suggests that I pretend to share his interest, so that we can..."

The vacuum drives around in circles in the living room, saying "We must have left the condom wrapper in the living room, but I can't find it for the life of me. If Joey finds it, how will I explain? Jack says not to worry. He'll be there to..."

Sometimes, my doorknobs won't let me inside at night. "September sixteenth. He's forgotten the anniversary again." But it's a success, Microsoft. Not a single day goes by where I don't get a glimpse of my wife. Not a day goes by where I don't hear her voice, simulated and authentic at once.

I would be an asset to your company. I look forward to hearing back from you about this position.


Joey Comeau