Overqualified: Bill Gates: Money is so awesome.

To: Microsoft
Re: Please forward to Bill Gates

Dear Bill Gates,

I am not enclosing my resume, because I think it's irrelevant. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had. My best friends from Elementary school are both in prison. I am writing because if I were as rich as you I would have filters in place, people watching the thousands of incoming messages, looking for letters like this one - bringing those letters to my attention. I can save the world. I do not want a salary. Listen.

You have billions of dollars, and I will spend as much of it as I can. I don't know what I will spend it on, and that's part of the point. Tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll want to fund robotics research to make prettier butterflies that land on the fingers of children. I'll want to give the world another credible Loch Ness Monster sighting, another downed UFO in the desert, another moon landing.

Tomorrow I'll wake up certain that money can make the world into the best kind of theme park, where nobody knows they're being had, where the suspension of disbelief is reinforced by seeing everything on the news at night. The news at night should have more smiling faces.

We need to pay Disney the standard product placement fee, but instead of a product we should promote our heroes. We need Mickey Mouse to say "Let me tell you about Jean Claude Van Damme." There is a whole generation of children growing up today who don't know about Jean Claude Van Damme.

I want to start a program down there at Microsoft, where every week five hundred random employees are selected to spend ten thousand dollars of your money each, on making the world more perfect. I want to approve budget increase of fifty thousand dollars for the janitor's idea to build a chess computer that loses every game and hates you for it. A computer that is the worst kind of poor loser.

I want to put satellites into orbit that do nothing but make life better for children, that broadcast an unending documentary we finance where we interview old women and ten year olds about their best friends, where we talk to the CEOs of fortune 500 companies and Tom Cruise and they tell us about that summer by the lake. I want to save the world. Money is so awesome.


Joey Comeau