Overqualified: The RIAA: A hobby should pass the time, not fill it.


To: The RIAA
Re: A hobby should pass the time, not fill it.

Dear RIAA,

You should note first that my experience has all been military, and that my position was cook. I should also mention that I do not believe their diagnosis was correct. I have always been interested in copyright law. It has always been a hobby of mine. They are correct in stating that since the accident I have been paying more attention.

You can violate copyright these days by taking a picture of your family standing next to your DVDs, by talking on the phone with the radio in the background, by emailing your friend about an interesting article in Oprah Magazine. The laws get crazier and crazier, until I find myself surrounded by criminals.

But without laws the world makes no sense, RIAA. Maybe these laws are too strict, too geared toward the profits of corporations, but what is our alternative? Chaos? A world where terror is our only rule?

My neighbour has the same deadbolt on his door as everyone else in this apartment building. I can pick that lock in less than a minute without a sound. He talks in his sleep, RIAA, quoting lines from movies. I have been making notes of the date and the time of each, even though I know that it isn't illegal yet. What if it is tomorrow?

The hairs on his head are arranged in a strange pattern. The spacing between each is irregular, but not completely. I'm certain that there's something here. I have been photographing his hair follicles, and I'm encoding them onto the computer, looking for a pattern. There's nothing yet, but I know I am close to finding the key. What if he has a leaked copy of the Da Vinci Code sequel in his hair? Tonight I will photograph the eyebrows.

His hair is so soft, RIAA. It used to be that criminals were all rough men. Now this? Now ten year old boys are committing crimes in my own apartment building? I only hope the juvenile correctional facilities here can redeem him in time. Because soon, RIAA, the day will come when we must protect this country with our knives and not our laws.

Joey Comeau