Overqualified: safe and sound

To: Unilever Home and Personal Care
Re: Marketing position.

Dear Unilever Home and Personal Care company,

I am applying for a position in your marketing department, because right now you are employing idiots. Putting a Q-Tip into the ear canal may damage your ear drum, but it will also be the most intense, pleasurable sensation of your morning. Why isnít that on your warning? Why donít cigarette packages say, ďWarning: smoking kills you eventually, but in the meantime it tastes great and keeps you thin.Ē

Donít put Q-Tips in your ears. Why? Because it isnít safe? People do it anyway. You know it and I know it. They jam your product in there because it is an insane, intense pleasure. They can touch a part of themselves that is never touched, and there is no feeling quite like it. It is one of the small joys of my day, and you should be selling that.

I send out application after application, looking for work in the marketing departments of big companies, and I donít have the right degree. I donít have enough experience. And then I sit in front of the TV and holy shit every commercial is so bland and toothless and ineffective. If these commercials are the product of those degrees and that experience, then I hope to fuck I never acquire them.

And if I have to see one more person falling asleep on a mattress with their hands up behind their head I will snap. Nobody falls asleep like that. You know how I fall asleep? I fall asleep with my hand down the front of my pants, holding my testicles and my dick. I donít know why I do that. It isnít a sex thing. It just feels so reassuring. I feel safe and I drift right off. Why canít we sell that?

Joey Comeau