A Softer World

Below is a list of all the comics in our archive. We started the comic in Feb of 2003, as a weekly comic, though our schedule is more frequent now. All the comics on this list are available as prints, EXCEPT for those comics followed by a red not available as print. You will also notice that the availability is listed on the comic pages themselves, between the 'back' and 'next' buttons as you navigate the comic.

If the comic you're interested in is unavailable, it means we don't have the original picture for that comic, and so can't duplicate it in a high enough resolution to look good as a print. It is sometimes difficult to keep track of hundreds of photos.

Just click Buy this print on the comic you want, and it'll take you to the order form, already filled out. Add it to your shopping cart, and repeat as needed. The prints are 16" wide on doubleweight matte paper




1: Are my parents ever coming home?
2: There had to be an answer
3: what I did for love
4: just go
5: care to explain THAT one?
6: but I do
7: darling it's better
8: one last desperate hope
9: She was so fluffy
10: I though for sure I'd never have to pay
11: I could never deny her anything
12: oops
13: happy mother's day
14: it wasn't that bad, really
15: I miss her
16: like, totally!
17: he had a trustworthy smile
18: go, emily, go!
19: kids everywhere are so excited
20: quiet kisses are so hardcore
21: changing of the guard
22: oh, what do I do?
23: wil wheaton! OMG - not available as print
24: intelligent black eyes
25: an amputee or ... something else?
26: shrapnel
27: while you count clouds
28: marriage club
29: Is it a boy or a girl? Maybe.
30: This is what frustrates me - not available as print
31: in the UK they say nappies
32: smiling fights the lonely monster
33: does he even clean his own hair?
34: never slapped five with god - not available as print
35: hold what you've got
36: birds gotta fly
37: true dreams
38: I can contain it, if I have to.
39: I wasn't sure which cake you wanted
40: Meet me in the street.
41: I used to want to plant bombs, the night of the prom. - not available as print
42: cars that hover and dads who come home
43: we've been good, but we can't last
44: seek release - not available as print
45: seek release, boy - not available as print
46: You were always laughing
47: I wish I was never born! I hate you!
48: I smile more when I belong
49: the ravages of puberty leave nobody unscathed
50: the ravages of puberty leave a few unscathed
51: you have a nice living room
52: is there something wrong?
53: you fucked it up
54: history cutlets
55: what about their friends?
56: but nobody says no to me
57: no, honey, you look fine
58: really, I am glad the romance is gone
59: But I never told him about your best selling romance novels.
60: I ain't your pal.
61: I'm here for ART, sir.
62: you'll be someone you wouldn't understand
63: like she's going anywhere
64: thank you for being a friend
65: fool me once, shame on you
66: I wake up in long term relationships
67: long overdue - not available as print
68: serious inquiries only
69: when I was young I believed in gutter balls
70: My mother knew all the words, word for word.
71: and from the pewter gifts she gave every christmas.
72: Don't you have anywhere else to be?
73: She's never too tired.
74: Ask her not to wear those army boots, though.
75: for jeff rowland
76: I miss city life
77: when there's no more room in pigeon hell...
78: they said they'd call
79: and you'll look stupid then!
80: Terrorism delays vote, kills.
81: well, then by your argument, 1 in 5 people are whores
82: good game
83: rawr!
84: don't you cry.
85: I've got poodles, yeah, I've got pomeranian gladness in my heart!
86: Every petal an accusation, every bumbling bee a pointing finger.
87: Now we can go back to living in sin in peace.
88: but when it comes to being loved, she's first - not available as print
89: Evening, officer!
90: Goodnight, mom.
91: rules are rules!
92: we will have a spare room again, and mankind is safe!
93: and i slept well
94: turn that frown upside-down
95: I'm coming. I'm coming. Wait til the next commercial.
96: you have a beautiful smile
97: I'll make you proud, Dad! - not available as print
98: I hear scratching all night
99: AND socks
100: I cannot kiss you and I want to.
101: jiggly milky doom
102: plz don't leave me!
103: i hear him talking during the comercials, alone, arguing.
104: I wished I was a little bit taller.
105: and on Tuesdays I'll be straight, and Thursdays I'll be gay.
106: maybe 1996 was
107: I'm sorry I was angry
108: I don't want to hear your voice around here no more - not available as print
109: who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? YOU DID MOTHERFUCKER
110: my PIECE
111: .......
112: YOU'RE a euphemism
113: Glitter death. (like crib death, but prettier)
114: handjob susan, private eye
115: Welcome to the Terrordome.
116: you're up early... hello?
117: what we talk about when we talk about love
118: but old people just grow lonesome
119: Is this cold?
120: what would they do with their freedom?
121: even I know that
122: recidivist: yes
123: I also collect stamps.
124: this is Emily and she is so pretty
125: This is lisa and she does not have a website
126: this is Maggie and she is tough tough tough
127: your machinery is too much for me
128: and the saved
129: we all float down here
130: i am too young to be a granny
131: WHAT
132: yes
133: Oh man. What could happen next?
134: also, maybe you could brush more - not available as print
135: can you imagine how disdainful they'll look?
136: WE CAN AFFORD NO MORE DISTRACTIONS
137: you make my heart stop
138: why not smile?
139: she would have wanted this last, unending dance
140: everything will be okay, i'm here
141: the resolution doesn't matter
142: i also do weddings
143: good luck!
144: masturbation as therapy
145: love will light up my room
146: i know it in my heart to be true
147: macaroni and glitter
148: SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND WHEN I AM AWAY FROM HER I MISS HER - not available as print
149: pawn shop tutorials
150: smell you later
151: my dad's a laugher
152: Remember when we used to have sex?
153: yes your wings are beautiful. yes they shimmer. god.
154: maybe tomorrow i'll want to settle down
155: and there were some bridge tokens too - not available as print
156: dad thinks that's funny I guess
157: nobody gonna wesley snipe me
158: ladies, please. One at a time.
159: make your own luck my ass
160: I paid for her. She's mine.
161: I will never look at stars the same way
162: not... not that we need it.
163: what if people don't want my help?
164: get well soon
165: A taste of the orient! HOT
166: now it's a journal comic? Boring.
167: it just wasn't reasonable
168: he's really sweet
169: oh, maureen
170: and maybe I keep adding to the list - not available as print
171: she says, what, now should be different?
172: worms
173: filling barbie's corvette with manure
174: I guess you were my first boy wonder
175: don't be so foolish
176: Tough break, kid.
177: but you get free ink cartridge refills
178: twice at least
179: pookums still loves ME though - not available as print
180: it's a coverup tatt, as I don't love Amy anymore
181: they don't know what they're missing
182: at least he has a father
183: or maybe i should get a job
184: try this at home
185: I don't mind paying. It's worth it.
186: nice girls don't - not available as print
187: shellfish? again?
188: and i don't want to be alone
189: what a t-shirt idea!
190: flush one pill, three times daily - not available as print
191: i can't remember what that means
192: miracles bring tourists
193: my garlic breath is unprofessional is it?
194: even after we're done
195: it is worth setting off metal detectors
196: ......
197: an eyeball should never have sand on it, even one that big
198: another bathroom break
199: or, as I like to call it, my wedding
200: fuck critics, you can kiss my whole asshole
201: wee miss you
202: tell me another one
203: I spy with my little eye
204: never in the same room as myself
205: you'll never guess! - not available as print
206: and don't tell your father we did this. he'd divorce me.
207: now let's go haunt the fuck out of Jeff
208: this resort has no egg nog
209: turn toward the camera and smile smile smile
210: oh, haha, microchip babies! what a hoot! what a stretch!
211: vacations don't have to end, they aren't like love affairs
212: oh no, is that lipstick on my collar?
213: we'll need to find you a new pet name i guess
214: you think you're so smart but I've seen you naked
215: I miss you
216: a boyfriend who doesn't enjoy horror movies? good riddance.
217: too little too late, creepy
218: because, uh, you might have heard I run with a dangerous crowd?
219: We can read out loud to each other, while we're getting ready!
220: sometimes i get so excited i throw up
221: to die would be an awfully big adventure
222: did she think we forgot since last easter?
223: there were like thirty scooters in that ice cream truck - not available as print
224: sooner or later it comes down to fate
225: I couldn't stop smiling in the back of the police car.
226: this place makes me an animal, I will not die in here
227: we buried truth under playgrounds
228: another mario 3 tournament tonight, ladies?
229: we cannot have freedom without wilderness
230: We will hang your dirty uniform from our antenna like a pirate flag.
231: also, tell them I'm sorry
232: I don't care what Proust said. Fuck you. How about that.
233: or they better fucking not
234: mistakes aren't always regrets
235: saying your plans out loud is a good way to hear god laugh
236: you have your mother's eyes
237: We're both going to wake up in Dallas, but only I will be free
238: that's how we keep going. we make the best of things.
239: you might start wearing clothes around the house
240: it was like being high. nobody wanted to be around me.
241: please be a common word, at least
242: I wish I were close with my mother
243: heartache to heartache we stand
244: didn't mom tell you?
245: I used to say this when we had oatmeal, too.
246: the one inch punch
247: Sorry, it wasn't what I was expecting.
248: My doctors note would just say I'm happier.
249: Hewwo?
250: Athiests are so smug, but church where the pussy at.
251: famous last words?
252: Pop married his job.
253: Ugh, and everyone here LOVES Dinosaur Comics.
254: No, don't go in the basement!
255: or kittens
256: the same way I feel after my dreams of flying
257: no jury will convict me
258: out back is where the toes are
259: i feel safe
260: It makes sense on paper.
261: Just one.
262: I will never feel stupid again.
263: -
264: I would die without you? Seriously?
265: These marshmallow ghosties don't have time for your ennui.
266: thirty-seventy, really.
267: Is this about your operation?
268: hurry christmas, hurry fast
269: fifteen points!
270: well, and playing with myself a bit too. - not available as print
271: doing things together is important. like, babes.
272: drop outs have more fun
273: love will keep us together
274: lullabies at night, george michael in the morning
275: our first idea was to be the Wet Bandits
276: Do it.
277: love, love me do
278: yeah, baby, that stale popcorn smell riles me right up.
279: Feed me, Seymour
280: Margaret Atwood swears by this recipe.
281: ...that I might fill them with horror so they would know I am the LORD
282: can't stop til I see my name on a blimp - not available as print
283: a man who represents himself has a HERO for a client!
284: I've been meaning to start running again anyway.
285: Watch the gills, baby.
286: Then we will stomp some log houses, am I right guys?
287: Let me tell you!
288: A stranger's just a friend you haven't met.
289: I contain a factory for producing my own prison.
290: I feel exhausted and perfect.
291: The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last.
292: You can't start a fire without a spark.
293: but even Battleship gets old after 15 years
294: like on TV
295: Wait...maybe I am a xenophobe!
296: and anyway the clown is booked til Wednesday
297: But this doesn't mean an easy A.
298: motherfucker would burn shit down
299: now we'll have that ball room to ourselves!
300: any sufficiently complex system is hackable
301: and tonight is a really good TV night
302: I wish the news had warned me about this
303: Fuck this coy shit.
304: My heart feels funny. I should have taken his stethoscope, too.
305: maybe I'll go back to school!
306: actually, maybe i want to BE her
307: the road to hell is paved with good intentions
308: I am going to be a model, not a crazy.
309: I should invite them for paintball this weekend. And then BAM.
310: The only words for this are my fingers in your mouth.
311: priorities!
312: I guess poor Doctor Internet just tells his neighbours about steampunk
313: People are only really happy when they accept themselves.
314: and I'm not even sure gamma radiation would do anything.
315: that's the same pity you get for people who claim to be happy
316: then who's gay, smartass?
317: It's kinda cute how angry they get about beer ads, though.
318: oh fuck, we're doomed! quick! to the movie theatre!
319: None of those lines seemed to be about you or me.
320: you kids wait here on the shore.
321: _____
322: Maybe I'll get an ice cream, first!
323: Actually, I'm married.
324: but will she remember how awesome it was?
325: unless they pray to 911?
326: romantic! whether she likes it or not.
327: I was a terrible news anchor.
328: I hope that water runs out soon
329: When the earthquake hit, I had an aftershock too.
330: If you do think it is awesome, maybe we could have dinner?
331: Yeah, well that's mace, isn't it?
332: and they do not refer to themselves as nice guys
333: We've been good but we can't last.
334: those with 'something to fall back on' invariably fall back on it.
335: I've never been there, but I know the way.
336: Although, I am pretty tired of telling that story.
337: or I didn't want to see.
338: the sex appeal of lowered expectations! - not available as print
339: _____
340: i marked on my map where i had my first kiss
341: We can go to the rodeo after I pick up her medicine.
342: the tasty side
343: sorry I could not travel both, and be one traveler
344: won't you believe it it's just my luck
345: you are the rose of my heart
346: you know what you do is wrong
347: _____
348: i come rough, tough like an elephant tusk.
349: I deserve a new car!
350: family, part one.
351: family, part two.
352: family, part three.
353: family, part four.
354: family, part five.
355: but now my oedipal dreams are way grosser
356: hindsight is bullshit
357: Is that guy even a student here?
358: tell me, where is evil bred, in the heart or in the head?
359: Sure, play another song. I've got nothing better to do.
360: You are terrible hosts.
361: BUY BUY BUY HAHAHA OH MY GOODNESS HELLO OH HELLO THERE
362: go play in someone else's garden, kitty
363: i can tell that we are gonna be friends
364: if you play the opening wrong, the game is already lost.
365: Seriously. Write me.
366: how do we blame THIS on SUVS?
367: if i think her thoughts that is a bit like sex.
368: I guess you can still see with only one eye anyway?
369: That's it. I'm moving out.
370: fuck yes.
371: The Horrible Intelligence of Tree Rats was his unfinished masterpiece
372: Oh please. Like you've never goofed up.
373: _____
374: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?
375: Between you and me, that license is forged anyway.
376: he whom the prophet spoke of long ago has come.
377: So don't waste time.
378: The apple of our three eyes - Martha being a cyclops.
379: Anyway, I'm off to the gym.
380: If you need any help with the condom, call me.
381: Also, I told them my name was Norma Desmond.
382: Oops!...I did it again
383: Love is stronger than justice.
384: or maybe I could grab that cop's gun!
385: Anyway, get dressed. The funeral's in an hour.
386: Oh listen honey! She's purring again!
387: Oh and I got LA Story on DVD! Oh man!
388: I was happier, dreaming.
389: I'll be the headmaster.
390: NEW GAME. NEW GAME. NEW GAME.
391: You can't in good conscience leave them with Ryan North.
392: Continue?
393: I guess really it's OUR house.
394: it already does
395: only, this time it is hover beads.
396: What's that? I can't hear you.
397: but not in packs, please.
398: I looked up some good ones!
399: what I mean is, would you like to go out to dinner?
400: There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met.
401: a flavor so familiar I no longer taste it.
402: I am undone.
403: Little things are important too.
404: now the collection agencies have armies.
405: That's no reason not to fall in love again.
406: Oh, honey, did we send you to opinion school?
407: Jesus, mom. I have friends coming over.
408: Come on, man. Use your evil cow brains for once.
409: Mommy is trying to work, here.
410: If you like it then you shoulda put a hug on it.
411: life does have a random function! us!
412: Cupcakes for dessert, not deserters.
413: and tell me his opinion on the matter again
414: Now let's go. I have to piddle.
415: heartbreak. heartbreak? is that spelled right? Heartbreak. AUGH
416: I suspect I took that metaphor too literally.
417: But then his sister and I wouldn't have met at the funeral.
418: Man, I hope you smarten up when you hit your teens.
419: You are my best friend.
420: Hey. You're lucky I picked you guys.
421: my last words will be, 'yeah I had that coming.'
422: Well. We will always have Utica.
423: the beast may try to hug you.
424: In bed.
425: THIS is why you don't date teens.
426: We love you, you ignorant prick.
427: the nobel prize for fuzz
428: Way better than stopping to say, 'so it goes.'
429: I want us to gerund, essentially.
430: She's perfect. I'll take two.
431: So I combined the two!
432: and all my wil wheaton podcasts! gone!
433: Now come bail me out.
434: I want it. But will I never want it more?
435: We all got it comin, kid.
436: If that's what you're into.
437: and progress and the future.
438: ...officer
439: Between grief and nothing... I'll take grief.
440: He was much better at this.
441: But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.
442: Only love can break your heart.
443: Me fail romance? That's unpossible.
444: Oh, sorry I stopped making payments. The world ended.
445: a sexy international super spy who never cries!
446: Or I could just let her down again.
447: Bustin makes me feel good.
448: and once you see the giggle-porn, well...
449: the end is near
450: Every day I hope to see a moving truck pull in. Or an ambulance.
451: That is why you fail.
452: Happy 40th, Stonewall Riots!
453: You do good work.
454: I believe in ecstatic truth.
455: Down by the river, I shot my baby.
456: oh the movie never ends it goes on and on and on and on
457: Please let apocalypse be this great. Thanks!
458: who said that every wish would be heard and answered?
459: hell is other people.
460: More importantly, who is your favourite Muppet?
461: Why do I do this? Oh god. So much chocolate milk.
462: or, anyway, part of you.
463: or 'forgetting' to buy condoms!
464: These cookies won't last either. We'd better hurry!
465: wait. give me liberty or give YOU death. how about that?
466: Do I tell her now or later?
467: Baby, you put the ass in mass murder.
468: That is what it said under my yearbook picture.
469: Smash the state? Nah. I'll just ignore it and hope it ignores me.
470: and the guilt I expected never came.
471: pain relief
472: And what if you find out later that you're actually cousins?
473: Fact.
474: Yeah. 'Probably.'
475: he is risen.
476: I wish I had the blind faith of an atheist.
477: Sometimes goodbye is better than see you soon.
478: I wouldn't make a very good doctor, for instance.
479: anyway it would be like hating santa claus
480: let's be honest here.
481: Or the police report would have mentioned it.
482: And I will respect you all at once. At my house.
483: if I get them drunk enough.
484: stickers: the only proof I need.
485: Orgasms are great, but why skip the sex?
486: anyway, happy anniversary!
487: if nobody is, that would explain some things.
488: Yet.
489: I've been waiting.
490: We will make everything wrong in the right way.
491: the only scientific instrument I know how to play
492: Video game idea: Stork Hunt
493: I can be more than just me.
494: Pretty and pointless
495: Santa IS real, he's just not what we thought!
496: Oh! Oh man, we should bring an old-timey lantern!
497: The school for girls who like schools for girls
498: she told me i was the best mistake she ever made
499: unless...do they have a candy dish in the car?
500: I have to be me
501: Big fancy money cock assholes.
502: I love cake. But I had some earlier today already.
503: Tenderly.
504: But the first and the middle parts are a-mazing!
505: you know, metaphorically.
506: Do you have to play that harp at 3am? Really?
507: He learned to ride that bicycle just to fool you.
508: I don't know. Maybe I can't.
509: Soon we'll have to telecommute to the bedroom.
510: Now quick! Cut the red wire!
511: And business is good.
512: yeah, me neither
513: My doctor is getting tired of me.
514: Live free or die soft
515: I have been trying conversation, instead.
516: Actually, why don't you just push your own damn button?
517: Anyway, how're you enjoying your retirement?
518: Don't get me wrong. My vagina is awesome.
519: Or would you rather be listed as cause of death?
520: Oh, it's you. You startled me. What? No! We musn't! KISS KISS KISS
521: You know, when I wasn't using it for sex.
522: A flaming sword of burning righteousness and also fire!
523: We're having a special today.
524: Now we can do all the things I felt bad about doing when I loved you.
525: Maybe they should have thought of that when they were picking teams
526: you cannot ignore the moon dot com
527: I will try not to hug him too hard.
528: First time I've ever wished for a disney version.
529: I know you can't respond to this ad, but I wish you would.
530: It's no good.
531: Anyway, I don't want to argue on your birthday, mom.
532: Maybe I'll learn the acoustic guitar instead.
533: Many problems. One solution. No moon by 2030.
534: They almost make a person want to read a book.
535: so many teeth
536: won't you believe it it's just my luck
537: no homo?
538: ...
539: and I only feel good when I got no pain and that's how I'm gonna stay
540: you're one...whiny motherfucker!
541: You sound just like your mother.
542: Just kidding, it's a dick I found in the garbage!
543: Well, him first.
544: of course I been drinkin. it's wednesday.
545: oh
546: The best part is that it works for everyone!
547: I gots to be me
548: maybe they're all in prison
549: just DRM-enabled 'disappearances'
550: history is way cooler if you picture Tom Cruise playing everyone
551: I mean, they're already a bit creeped out.
552: of course he got no sympathy from the ducklings that were still ugly.
553: oh no, not again
554: Somebody needs to be put down for a nap!
555: Marvel:SVU
556: now, which one of you fuckin' cops wants smooches?
557: fine, then can I just get my bill?
558: What a slut. I'm angry at her because I am frustrated in my own life.
559: Go to your room. While I inspect this search history.
560: mr state trooper. please don't stop me. please don't stop me.
561: rocky road.
562: So quit acting like you're the only one having a bad day.
563: When he's good, we call him Tax Break.
564: Any asshole can tell the truth.
565: I just want to see what it's like to be enough for someone.
566: the world is ending and i just miss your vagina
567: Well, he won't forget getting kneecapped.
568: cunnilingus? a...analingus?
569: or a maintenance person, I guess! or... or both?
570: anyway, wanna watch me eat an ice cream sandwich shirtless?
571: we have only everyone else to blame
572: i can appreciate it now, but what an awkward year at daycare
573: now are you going to take your shirt off or not?
574: The closest words tend to anthropomorphize you.
575: The silver bullets might still work though.
576: Maybe you should learn to knife fight!
577: Go big or go home. I probably should have gone home.
578: I need better role models I guess
579: Also, I think I vomited in my underwear somehow?
580: So there.
581: Check outside. I think you'll find you have sufficient space.
582: Oh god, am I observing my own psychosexual development?
583: We are glad to have you as friends.
584: Please don't ruin this for me with the truth.
585: Plenty of time to be a boring fuck in the grave.
586: Fuck this table and fuck you!
587: My god, would you look at that body.
588: And you will always be someone who was beautiful, once.
589: it's hard to get rid of people who don't know you hate them
590: Then we can do a post game analysis!
591: Nobody ever wants to do the friends part with me.
592: it's sad.
593: I guess they're your friends too!
594: a song of ice and fire ants
595: and now i have an excuse to buy new sheets all the time!
596: You know my motto: I'm a man, and I am here to fuck.
597: And how do you think it makes me feel when I can't feed them? Oh no!
598: I'm so generous and caucasian!
599: Chill out, dickwad.
600: ... hello?
601: He got his hopes up once they started letting the gays marry.
602: I KNEW IT!
603: but do I love you. do you want me to loosen the cuffs?
604: are you eating pizza in here?
605: Then: Sexy times!
606: Lady parts are for kissing. Lady pieces go in the fridge.
607: My charming awkwardness gets me so much play.
608: HAPPY DAD JOKE DAY!
609: Tomorrow's just a day away.
610: anyway quit complaining. YOUR kids voted for me
611: So, thanks for taking the time to interview me.
612: Do not try to contact the police.
613: Oh okay, we're both racist. It's why we're friends!
614: I promise, I'm going to seem to do right by you.
615: and I refuse to let that happen.
616: I'll give you a hint. Close your eyes...
617: the best revenge is bitter sarcasm and unhappiness
618: We're just born this way! My mom told me.
619: I'll probably be first against the wall. But we can take turns.
620: I'm a police cat! meow
621: I am glad we are friends.
622: except amphetamines. jesus, that was a nightmare.
623: Anyway, I have TWO new boyfriends. So.
624: what interests us most is finding out what we are like.
625: that is too many words to tattoo on your penis
626: In bed.
627: Even Bobby Fischer crazy would be better.
628: are pod people more flexible, you think?
629: but don't hit me in the face. It's picture day.
630: have you not seen my twitter?
631: shape the future, they said. teach mathematics, they said.
632: post hoc, ergo propter hoc
633: it's in love with randall munroe.
634: that was your plan? 'get him'?
635: Let's join a street gang! Is NASA recruiting?
636: unless it is drawn by repetition.
637: you are so close to being the perfect man!
638: I would seriously stab Gandhi in his face for that woman.
639: They're the lucky ones.
640: Also, it's not forever because they'll die too.
641: It's yours!
642: you know, at bedtime or whatever.
643: I have detailed files on human anatomy.
644: birds gotta fly. fish gotta swim.
645: we can disavow all knowledge of our actions. if anyone asks.
646: What happens to us in the future? Do we become assholes or something?
647: if that's not love, then i'm misinformed.
648: foolproof pickup line #6
649: dressing them up all sexy and stuff. you know.
650: oh great, another novelty orphan murder memoir.
651: ZING!
652: because you're doing it wrong
653: teenage suicide: don't do it!
654: when you embark on a journey of revenge, don't go barefoot
655: the end is nearer
656: Please don't leave me alone with our stupid children
657: Maybe I should have mentioned that in my speech?
658: Sleep like dead men. Wake up like dead men.
659: your sister was the worst.
660: One day I'll be me.
661: like you are suddenly awake after a long winter.
662: I can't remember.
663: High... high fives?
664: and the destination is just work, every day.
665: I honestly thought the iceberg would chicken out first.
666: yhtapa drol krad ruo
667: Did I fall asleep?
668: reverse horror movies!
669: vote for me or i'll kill you
670: It's mathematics
671: oh, and gravity might go offline later today. stay tuned.
672: and I could have gotten free shipping
673: and talking in this funny voice?
674: Now picture leaving my house. Thanks.
675: I didn't mean money, but okay?
676: now get out of the bushes before I call the cops.
677: fh2: this time with feelings
678: I'm going to need to see some black friends, too.
679: I brought it from home.
680: some people aren't books, they're poems.
681: or imagine Ryan North's smile.
682: There is always hope! Everybody on the floor!
683: Sup bitches! What are your hopes and dreams?
684: Telling people that I'm clingy.
685: like a chocolate dildo
686: for my portfolio?
687: How I got my limp.
688: Help me take my shirt off for science.
689: let's make some sausage
690: tweens tweens everywhere!
691: maybe I am doing it wrong?
692: we are all going to get got.
693: that joke was funnier than you acted.
694: What a lovely home. Do you have a shed?
695: If you can't stand the heat, turn the A/C on.
696: there's a darkness on the edge of town.
697: she looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends
698: because for SOME reason it's illegal to put landmines in my yard.
699: another failed children's book.
700: or just the life I thought would make my teachers happy.
701: I've lost friends on there, though.
702: the satisfaction of a job well done.
703: The Racist Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
704: don't you?
705: A ticket? We're HURTLING THROUGH THE VOID!!
706: So you're saying I have a chance with this big spider?
707: or candy. or… or both?
708: crying over his dictionary.
709: the way a human loves another human
710: I make sure to show him all my teeth.
711: while we're pretending.
712: it does kind of smell like gas though
713: Consent RULES!!
714: I *guess*
715: I think we should fire that babysitter.
716: plus everybody knows Hitler was a waiter.
717: Full House is totally puerile, right guys? Ha ha I love PROUST!
718: I'd like to axe you a few questions!
719: and this is why.
720: Mom? I thought you were in Florida!
721: don't you know? the sun's setting fast.
722: I'm tired of being my best.
723: the friend zone is right here, baby. *gestures at crotch*
724: If you're not part of the solution, you probably think I'm nuts
725: I'm just looking for one divine hammer.
726: I am going to die alone, aren't I, yeasty teats?
727: Let's be the quiet realization that our time has passed.
728: I only got one law. A kid who tells on another kid is a dead kid.
729: It's going to be a hell of a show!
730: Do they get sleepy?
731: I don't see how my excuse can be your problem.
732: There...there's been an accident who?
733: evil has its pleasures too.
734: I hope they don't read my blog.
735: surrounded by terrified fishermen
736: Sometimes mid-coitus!
737: heartbreak is the real chlamydia.
738: And anyway why were you going through my computer?
739: I guess you could watch the episode where they get mugged.
740: Understanding is for terrorists.
741: I can make a sad face, or a happy face. Anything I want!
742: But… but what if we COULD?
743: I love you
744: _____
745: here. you might as well have it.
746: even gay men love boobs when they are made of money.
747: someone who thinks suggested dosages are quaint.
748: in front of jesus and everybody.
749: Have you tried walking it off?
750: It's a good life if you don't let him see you weaken.
751: I never thought of it like that!
752: We all disappoint.
753: use it or lose it.
754: because you'll be dead.
755: at least I have my health.
756: and it sounds like my own voice
757: like a utility tool that only works on genitals?
758: So.
759: You're too pretty to stab me in the face with that knife.
760: I think I peed a little.
761: Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
762: Quit your job. Buy a big knife. Do something!
763: Fetch my tiny horses. I want to go shopping.
764: Can we be friends? I would try to be a good friend.
765: A cautionary tale, but at least it was X rated.
766: especially gay marriage in videogames
767: Hand out your chuckles while you can.
768: is that in California?
769: What sounds better? Revenge or popcorn?
770: It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
771: anyway, I guess we should exchange sex now.
772: i hear smashing glass in my head, every time i laugh.
773: I did play the NES game at that Christian store in the mall.
774: take a pic with your phone if anything exciting happens.
775: If I said you had a nice body, would it violate my parole?
776: I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black.
777: any excuse to keep putting things in my brain!
778: It doesn't matter whose. A baby's maybe.
779: Follow your horrible little heart!
780: it gives me sexual arousal.
781: Where is the strongest pulse again? The inner thigh? The neck? ARGH
782: Just this once?
783: Who has time for perfection?
784: Ok. Point him out, Mittens.
785: Hang on, I just got an email.
786: I'm gay married to the sea.
787: A farewell to paws.
788: That's the way it crumbles. Cookie-wise.
789: GOSH I LOVE FLOWERS
790: I'm welcome at family Christmas again. That's good I guess.
791: I fought my way into this world. I'll fight my way out.
792: when you look down at people, don't you want to help them up?
793: Questions are now obsolete. You are welcome.
794: I used to fantasize about getting laid. Now I just hope I get laid off
795: Well, I don't like any of those things, but I like you.
796: Man, I'm totally stuck in the 'nice guy who acts creepy' zone
797: Just… just let me think about this for a bit okay?
798: And who can blame her?
799: Strip chess!
800: My sad feelings go SNIKT!
801: the screaming and the vomiting help sell it.
802: Did he ever really love us?
803: You know an argument is over when someone brings up Dracula.
804: Let's use that against them.
805: It's your turn to pick the music.
806: They will find a statue of you, holding someone else.
807: Did you used to have so many teeth?
808: I... I think I like it.
809: Wait… mom?
810: Except people who believe in Narnia are harmless.
811: You were in the bathroom.
812: Spend the rest of the day trying not to think about sex.
813: Is that what you're wearing?
814: Maybe two puppies, if you really want peace.
815: I'm screwed.
816: Double major in poetry and physics, baby.
817: I have a right to be here. This is a PUBLIC playground.
818: Or anyway I might get arrested.
819: A person can't live on 'I love you' alone.
820: tune in tonight for NO LAW & NO ORDER
821: right in there.
822: love the sinner, stab the eyeballs.
823: I'm so close. How can we make this more wrong?
824: confiscate that shit.
825: Why doesn't this window open? Quick. Help me lift this statue.
826: You know, the kind who call me on my bullshit.
827: yippee ki yay, YHWH
828: Good one, Chompers. But we're trying to watch a movie, here.
829: Your whole family is made out of meat!
830: art is whatever gets you laid.
831: I will not say how the cupcake is involved.
832: _____
833: back off man… i'm a meteorologist.
834: If you're going to do the wrong things, do them right.
835: cleaning up god's mess.
836: i've wasted enough tears on assholes.
837: Don't you roll your eyes at me. I know your horrible little secrets.
838: HINT: It is all of them.
839: or think about fucking so much you just get sad?
840: The least I can do is provide a polite worst day of their life.
841: Or a spaceship!
842: there are no horny racists.
843: it turns out that privilege is pretty awesome?
844: Frankly, it's a bit creepy.
845: wait. these aren't my clothes!
846: and I am terrified you'll realize it.
847: I don't think that guy is coming back with our money.
848: What if Ryan North were a sexy pirate? THE BOOK.
849: also, I guess you need SPECIFIC gunk.
850: Who can be depressed when they have a flamethrower?
851: I think I have the first part covered.
852: you mess with the bull, you get the cone.
853: No woman can resist the pleasure of not having to deal with me!
854: 809:3:2-321:2:4-712:2:4-37:3:8-290:2:5-602:3:5-98:1:1
855: I dyed the slop pink today! Happy birthday!
856: if it is just the drugs, make the phone blink twice.
857: i want dirt under my fingernails.
858: Am I the reason people refer to cuddling as pseudoscience?
859: the murder glass is half FULL … of murder?
860: you are one hotshot body pilot, baby.
861: Let's ALL go back where we came from! To the beach!
862: the shuffle of crabs on the ocean floor
863: did it hurt? when you clawed your way up from the depths of hell?
864: I've had more than my share of brand new days.
865: Let's void some warranties, my love.
866: Maybe I'll learn a programming language or something instead.
867: pretend to love the one you're with.
868: And I'm queer for math!
869: the freedom of uncertainty.
870: Cock tease: (n) Person with sexual interests distinct from mine.
871: Police infallibility!?! Best argument ever!
872: 10 billion dollars in damages? Is your face the RIAA?!?
873: and the hunt begins.
874: I hope you brought a change of clothes, baby!
875: Might as well ask for a USEFUL miracle.
876: Today is the most exciting last day of our lives.
877: Actually, I just wanted to pick up my books?
878: good cryptography makes good neighbours, too.
879: greed is good
880: this cage is all I know.
881: I would if I could, but I can't so I won't.
882: I love you, is what I'm saying.
883: rough for me, I mean.
884: What were you THINKING?!
885: let the okay times roll.
886: To drown would be an awfully great adventure!
887: what do they know about friends?
888: sometimes dead is better.
889: My best self hasn't happened yet.
890: I've been disenfrenchfried.
891: How can anything be worth anything if it lasts forever?
892: It's not that I don't care. It's that I really don't care.
893: Why do we have to wait til friday?
894: On the toilet.
895: Infinity as she is played.
896: outlook SO GOOD
897: and the music is amazing.
898: Or if you were rich, or whatever.
899: we're just getting started.
900: The anticipation is terrible. I hope it lasts.
901: Waiting for time to run out.
902: finish me quick! before the ice cream melts!
903: THEN you yell 'you got served!'
904: thank you for being a friend
905: before we start throwing fucking pancake parties or whatever.
906: Sex with me is, admittedly, not fun.
907: hope floats like a bloated corpse
908: I spend all my time in puddles. I miss the ocean.
909: But the real version. Where the ant let the grasshopper die.
910: Don't tell me how to live my life, MOM.
911: it isn't the storm that makes the ocean dangerous.
912: a billion universes just wanting to be left alone.
913: I'll be the Imo this time. You can be the Mont-Blanc.
914: I'll treat you right! So long as you don't do anything wrong ever.
915: I love you. Don't ever change. EVER.
916: what use beauty, sans ugmos?
917: it is the exact opposite of alone.
918: Nothing matters. THANKS, Obama
919: Are there any theme parks that don't mind if I shit myself?
920: I can't think of anyone I'd rather share my ammo with.
921: yes. Yes, always, yes.
922: If the sun went out we would die, stupid.
923: does freedom have high speed internet?
924: This place isn't for me. I'm going home.
925: with a dick for a head
926: I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fuckin’ fun as shit.
927: When life gives you lemons, watch pornography.
928: national enjoy nothing day.
929: Why can't they stay small?
930: Can I come over?
931: I like you. I don't LIKE like you.
932: Let's do something wrong.
933: we should have taken flying lessons instead of flamenco.
934: living forever is like living in a living nightmare
935: Well. Worry might not be the right word.
936: I bet you kiss like rain.
937: You can tell a lot about a person by how much they smile while boning.
938: Instead of slowing down, I just shine brighter.
939: sexed at the murder hotel.
940: Ours to put donuts in!
941: I'm gonna spend it with you.
942: with awesome bodies we had no idea how to use.
943: knives weren't meant for air.
944: And then send pics.
945: before anything can go wrong!
946: Oooh! Oooh! I hope it's science fiction!
947: Kanye could have written a song about ME
948: I'll practice my hurt but ultimately understanding face.
949: then what? you have to get up I guess.
950: now where did i leave my fancy… OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING
951: _____
952: He who makes out with monsters should take hott pixx.
953: here's to understanding something logically but not with your heart.
954: anyway, this email got weird. Just writing to tell you I have cancer.
955: But can I call you after I get off work?
956: to join the circus.
957: I don't know why they keep telling me their problems.
958: Anyway, I've been learning to knit!
959: not taking an honest look at myself is my god given right.
960: gonna fuck you so hard, you're gonna ask me to tone it down a bit
961: 6 broken ribs and a cracked sternum. Good as new.
962: this might take a while. we have way more of them than you do.
963: I miss not having to pretend to like your family.
964: Girl, you're the light of my life.
965: In Heaven, everything is fine? Ugh.
966: Really? But you guys are so perfect for each other!
967: The future's so bright.
968: and get a haircut. a rebellious one.
969: Always in the shadow of a stronger argument against.
970: I guess that'd be incentivizing decency though.
971: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to lie down again.
972: no one could steer me right, but mama tried.
973: Even a sick day would be nice.
974: sleep your cares away
975: what you get for choosing poor parents
976: All the awesome, none of the hassle.
977: Murder Boat 2: SEA you in Hell
978: Smooch Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
979: I couldn't live a whole life not being me.
980: and the things you are wearing right now.
981: emptier, I mean.
982: and by park, I mean internet
983: Ok. I'll put some pants on.
984: what're you, new?
985: And then go home to your empty apartment.
986: at least they'd know what I like in bed.
987: but i will put anything in my mouth that is given to me.
988: What's good for the goose.
989: you know that I'm no good
990: If you can't stand the heat, stay out of hell.
991: I shot a man in reno just to watch you smile!
992: The easy way is also I cut you.
993: choose your own regrets.
994: the hospital sounds… restful. I could use a rest.
995: Just kidding. My needs always win.
996: we have buried the putrid corpse of liberty
997: rhetorical questions shall continue until morale improves.
998: and I do push his buttons.
999: You should never have come here alone, hoss.
1000: a softer world - not available as print
1001: at the mountains of madness... if you know what I mean.
1002: Just smile. Just keep smiling a bit longer.
1003: Beautiful, but gone.
1004: I weep for our stupid, stupid children.
1005: tomorrow isn't coming
1006: I'll just assume it's both
1007: That's who I think of when we fuck.
1008: I already had too many turns.
1009: both of us finally happy.
1010: I've wasted a lifetime pretending to be me.
1011: beware the moon.
1012: I'm more alone than ever.
1013: unrequited rejection.
1014: I tried to buy him off with walkies, but he keeps LOOKING at me.
1015: are your parents home?
1016: i feel sort of weird jerking off to it.
1017: this will be my final tweet.
1018: It was all worth it!
1019: That's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.
1020: be careful what you wish for, stupid.
1021: What if I want an upgrade before my contract's up?
1022: I EXPLAINED THAT.
1023: Is there a rule 34 for pretty naked ladies?
1024: WHY STOP
1025: never mix business and pleasure.
1026: because i need an excuse to choose me
1027: you have to pretend like everyone else, crazy.
1028: and embarassing browser histories
1029: who am i in the dark?
1030: 'How could anyone be so blind?' The blindest question of all.
1031: It was pretty classic though. Hahahaha.
1032: Might as well enjoy ourselves!
1033: Participation medals of the heart.
1034: They're shitheads.
1035: the sign says KEEP OUT, mom. that means YOU.
1036: And it's like the sun has come out.
1037: after you're gone is nice
1038: The sublime tigress has another nap, because who cares.
1039: It's up to you whether I'm a dreamer or a psychic.
1040: if everything matters, nothing does.
1041: there is no game of life without you
1042: What're you doing with that length of lead pipe?!
1043: i'm a knife. knifin' around. cut cut cut cut cut cut cut.
1044: Yes, you.
1045: well, really I wish you didn't want so much.
1046: Haha a toilet full of bees! You guys are the best!
1047: There's no silence worse than the silence of a friend.
1048: sometimes, dead ISN'T better
1049: at least i can get store credit.
1050: in the lane, snow is glistening
1051: It's okay to laugh at me. I love your laugh.
1052: a quick fix
1053: Don't worry. We're all doomed eventually.
1054: we all know it is really aliens
1055: That's my favourite insult. Die bored, motherfucker.
1056: I just fell off the turnip truck, and landed on my feet!
1057: I would never break your heart. seven years bad luck!
1058: time to take a handful of pills and face the day.
1059: I am still sad, though.
1060: When my cage is by the window I can see the sun.
1061: I've seen the truth, Mulder. Now what I want are the answers.
1062: And I can prove it.
1063: It means no worries for the rest of your days.
1064: my body is a temple and there's another funeral today
1065: life is a hotel pool at night, and security is coming
1066: live and be happy, and make others so
1067: four legs good. eight legs bad.
1068: neither of us chose truth
1069: i can't do that hal.
1070: the woods are just trees, and I am lost
1071: There. I apologized.
1072: infinity does not have your picture in its locker
1073: My heart is layers of scar.
1074: it's been 48 hours. my heart is almost certainly dead already.
1075: i have never seen them scared before
1076: You can't get any further away before you start coming back.
1077: there's nothing on TV. let's go to the hospital I guess
1078: you can't always get what you want, thank christ.
1079: we're hiring, sure. but this job won't save you.
1080: they don't care cause they stay paid anyway
1081: there's a lot that can go wrong in a life.
1082: not all who wander are decent human beings
1083: everything melts.
1084: but it is a house you can build.
1085: I just smile and say 'compared to what?
1086: I've never been better.
1087: wicked dastardly
1088: burn it down
1089: la petite mort
1090: let's turn those smiles upside-down
1091: cross stitch class goes off the rails once again.
1092: because i ate blue of them.
1093: I want to make you happy! I guess this is how.
1094: the mystery is always better.
1095: didn't even bring lunch that day.
1096: a yawning void, is what i'm saying. forever.
1097: I need your space too.
1098: when they look back on their lives, they'll smile
1099: I fast forward to the scenes I liked.
1100: If there are better ways, I bet they involve clothing.
1101: be more kind of weird together
1102: i call this one the reverse carpenter
1103: You shouldn't be afraid they will see the real you. They should be.
1104: lately i've been breaking glass in your room again
1105: call and response
1106: ttyl
1107: wikileaks and dribbles
1108: razor blade beats sadness. pill beats razor blade.
1109: who is your daddy and what does he do?
1110: TRAPPED! HELD PRISONER BY A TINY BABY!
1111: go start another sentence
1112: please keep frowning
1113: let's hang out - TO THE DEATH
1114: i got mine.
1115: I'm half crazy, all for the love of you
1116: please do.
1117: the hero's journey.
1118: I would do anything for love or not love
1119: see you in the morning! in hell!
1120: just another exploit
1121: bite him
1122: You make falling look good, baby.
1123: Your daytime friends are no help in the dark.
1124: Anyway, is this going to take much longer, officer?
1125: the kind of mess that don't come clean
1126: chewed off its wrist at the shackle and waved goodbye.
1127: it's the little things that keep us going. like violence
1128: and you hear her mournful cry
1129: there's meaning as long as there's someone to need it
1130: open sesame
1131: my self esteem is innumerate
1132: I'm with Bacchus
1133: Now who's maladjusted?!
1134: forever in a day
1135: Also it's a little bit you.
1136: in myth lies hope
1137: burn everything. the heat lifts you faster.
1138: not every verb has to be transitive
1139: I don't have time for frivolity. I have to hurry up and die.
1140: I can't think of anything sadder than that.
1141: And we are the dreamers of dreams.
1142: this too shall not change a goddamn thing
1143: come on in, the waters of oblivion are warm!
1144: or believing
1145: yes! yes! a thousand times yes!
1146: now you will never know
1147: burning cities melt hearts
1148: the princess and the pea, a story for peasant children.
1149: and an attic full of soft fluffy snuggles
1150: it doesn't matter how fancy your pants are
1151: I only miss 92% of the shots I don't take. No big deal.
1152: the call is coming from inside the closet!
1153: I'm not sad. I'm almost happy.
1154: i am not an exhibitionist. i'm just lonely.
1155: Alternately, puppies.
1156: I don't want to live, alone.
1157: true love lite
1158: Everybody has skeletons in their closet. I have the gross stuff, too.
1159: still eating cheerios til you make yourself sick.
1160: Live every day like the ice cream store is closing.
1161: nobody sees the real me. i hope.
1162: They probably don't!
1163: A bit of breathing room.
1164: be quiet, is what i'm saying
1165: I already asked mine.
1166: But, no, they always trust me to be someone I don't even want to be.
1167: _____
1168: Always check your candy!